Monday, October 1, 2012

CLUELESS

I'm nineteen years old and I don't know what the fuck I want.

It's like you get dragged into maturity way too early, and because you've already understood what it's like, there's no turning back for you. It's always there, the inevitable push and pull of life, and where it wants to bring you.

In my case, now, it's down. Down, down, DOWN! Lower than the time I thought I had to go through with my Marketing major. Lower than when my dad left when I was in third grade. Lower than, when my mom told me, I can't join any sport.

For some reason, I feel so lost, like I am anywhere but home. HOME! Where I should feel the most comfortable, and safe. Home, where I've lived for the past nineteen years. Bacolod City. Baco-fucking-lod. Where I've met my friends, my enemies, and almost everyone I've ever known that changed my life.

Here, where I don't see my best friends anymore. Where I can't find a single solitary space to just think. I now am intimidated by the professor that has been my inspiration ever since I began college. I now despise the school I've been studying at for almost 8 years. I've made a full turn from what I've always wanted, into something, or someone I don't know.

I want to just, quit school. Like seriously. And go somewhere else, somewhere far, away from Baco-fucking-lod, and just, find myself. Go soul searching. Eat, Pray, Love. As cliche as it may sound, it's probably true. I need time for myself, to think.

I don't hate school- it's just that, because I've turned into a completely different person, I don't need to go finish college just yet. With one semester left before I could graduate, I'm thinking of a change in direction. Maybe this is not what I've always wanted to be...

I have this fear of people asking me "What do you want to do after college?" Because I honestly have no idea. The thought is very overwhelming, and huge, and I simply have no answer. Or maybe, I do have an answer, but is it enough?

Maybe out of habit, or actual curiosity, people would ask me what I want to do for the rest of my life. And I might fearlessly answer them "I want to live by the beach, own a boat, and do what I love to do." Whatever that would be at the moment because I know it(what I love to do) would constantly change, and really I don't mind that.

I could be a photographer, a hula dancer, a surfer, or a girl that works in a juice shop. Whatever makes me happy. This right now, what I'm doing, doesn't make me happy. And I don't think I'd need a college degree just to be a beach resident.

I want to be free from all the corporate-bullshit that surrounds me. Office, marketing, advertising, and everything that is "business", I see the hypocrisy in all of them. But I can't fucking avoid it, because it's the "status quo" it is what the society believes is what's right, and even if I don't like doing it, I have to, because its all we ever know.

I want to travel, I want to grow out my hair, I want to write a song, I want to get a tattoo that I know I'll probably regret someday, but I really don't mind because I know that it was my decision. I want to do things for myself, and not for other people. I want to go cliff diving, or paragliding. Anything, anything at all that would make me feel infinite, away from the world while inside it.

For now, I know in my heart that I have to quit college because I'm not wholeheartedly IN it. I have to make a sacrifice, but I don't know in which direction. I'm gonna hurt people in the process. But I have to take a brave step, away from it all. I just don't know how to begin.

:|

No comments: