Saturday, December 29, 2012

A life Update

I feel like I sort of owe you an explanation.

You, being no one in particular, or every one in general- I can't decide, it doesn't matter.

I'm sorry I quit school, but I'm not really sorry I did. Does it make sense? It doesn't to me, but that's how I feel.

To give you an update about my life, currently, I'm an official BUM.

Stay at home, do nothing, sort of thing.

I sleep at four in the morning, and wake up at 12 in the afternoon.

I'm on the internet all day, and I watch TV. Pretty much, I'm useless.

On some other times, this non-government organization that I'm a part of, call me and ask me to hang out with them. We have fun most of the time.

If they don't call me, I stay here at home, which pisses both my sisters off because they say they're gonna die of boredom if they stay here. And I don't exactly get their point because this is my life and not theirs.

I don't worry about school, projects, and requirements, and I am HAPPY about that.

I am not happy however, about the fact that, I haven't made good use of the free time I have. I should come out of this thing stronger, help me? :(

Thursday, November 15, 2012

...

and So I made the first leap. I did what I've always wanted to do... Now what?

My biggest enemy really is myself.

I have been given maaaany opprtunities ever since I stopped, I've been offered jobs (not job-jobs) that I'd love to do, but I'm afraid.

I don't know what this fear is, but I want to let go of it :(

Friday, November 9, 2012

Freedom, Liberation, but still clueless.

What do I need to do? What can I do now? I finally did it, quit school, and now I know that I need to rest. But three seconds after I've told people that I'm currently FREE, they come crashing at me with opportunities. Opportunities I could almost never say no to.

They are bringing me back to the things that I used to love to do so much and just lately hated doing, which is the reason why I can't make a decision if I should do it at this period of "rest" for myself.

I was told to relax, stay away from the pressure. But the thing is, I used to love the pressure, it was what kept me going, it was what I loved about all the things I did. But it was also the same thing that made me weak, one of the things that broke me.I have to face it again, hopefully soon, but as of now, I just can't make a decision yet. And like what they say, when opportunity knocks, you have to open the door, because it might not come back again. I just fear that, if I open my door, I might not be ready and I might end up disappointing even more people.

Why does life have to be so complicated? Or am I the only one complicating my life?

Gaaaah.

Monday, October 1, 2012

CLUELESS

I'm nineteen years old and I don't know what the fuck I want.

It's like you get dragged into maturity way too early, and because you've already understood what it's like, there's no turning back for you. It's always there, the inevitable push and pull of life, and where it wants to bring you.

In my case, now, it's down. Down, down, DOWN! Lower than the time I thought I had to go through with my Marketing major. Lower than when my dad left when I was in third grade. Lower than, when my mom told me, I can't join any sport.

For some reason, I feel so lost, like I am anywhere but home. HOME! Where I should feel the most comfortable, and safe. Home, where I've lived for the past nineteen years. Bacolod City. Baco-fucking-lod. Where I've met my friends, my enemies, and almost everyone I've ever known that changed my life.

Here, where I don't see my best friends anymore. Where I can't find a single solitary space to just think. I now am intimidated by the professor that has been my inspiration ever since I began college. I now despise the school I've been studying at for almost 8 years. I've made a full turn from what I've always wanted, into something, or someone I don't know.

I want to just, quit school. Like seriously. And go somewhere else, somewhere far, away from Baco-fucking-lod, and just, find myself. Go soul searching. Eat, Pray, Love. As cliche as it may sound, it's probably true. I need time for myself, to think.

I don't hate school- it's just that, because I've turned into a completely different person, I don't need to go finish college just yet. With one semester left before I could graduate, I'm thinking of a change in direction. Maybe this is not what I've always wanted to be...

I have this fear of people asking me "What do you want to do after college?" Because I honestly have no idea. The thought is very overwhelming, and huge, and I simply have no answer. Or maybe, I do have an answer, but is it enough?

Maybe out of habit, or actual curiosity, people would ask me what I want to do for the rest of my life. And I might fearlessly answer them "I want to live by the beach, own a boat, and do what I love to do." Whatever that would be at the moment because I know it(what I love to do) would constantly change, and really I don't mind that.

I could be a photographer, a hula dancer, a surfer, or a girl that works in a juice shop. Whatever makes me happy. This right now, what I'm doing, doesn't make me happy. And I don't think I'd need a college degree just to be a beach resident.

I want to be free from all the corporate-bullshit that surrounds me. Office, marketing, advertising, and everything that is "business", I see the hypocrisy in all of them. But I can't fucking avoid it, because it's the "status quo" it is what the society believes is what's right, and even if I don't like doing it, I have to, because its all we ever know.

I want to travel, I want to grow out my hair, I want to write a song, I want to get a tattoo that I know I'll probably regret someday, but I really don't mind because I know that it was my decision. I want to do things for myself, and not for other people. I want to go cliff diving, or paragliding. Anything, anything at all that would make me feel infinite, away from the world while inside it.

For now, I know in my heart that I have to quit college because I'm not wholeheartedly IN it. I have to make a sacrifice, but I don't know in which direction. I'm gonna hurt people in the process. But I have to take a brave step, away from it all. I just don't know how to begin.

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