Wednesday, March 6, 2013

gizelonline

If you still read this blog and think it's still up and running, well it's not.

Head on over to my new one. It's much more exciting, and (I promise you) not as depressing as this one. Actually, I try really hard to not make it sad at all.



Come on over to the "BRIGHT SIDE"


Let's talk about fun things, and find our passion together. :)

Fashion Bloggers are common, but have you ever heard of a Passion Blogger? Me thinks not!

xx Gizel

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

To be somebody's dancer, To get lost inside a crowd




Well, this was my Universal Studios OOTD. 

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I don't think it was proper for roller coasters though, but I'd rather walk around beautiful looking "streets" feeling flimsy and princess-like than be on those things and get my guts thrown all over the place. 

Even so, I still rode the Cylon, and never again after that. 

Also, I chased Charlie Chaplin and we skipped around the streets like two characters in a black and white romantic comedy. I had serious butterflies at that. 
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And thanks to my long skirt, I could make a real curtsy to him when we had to say goodbye. x 

:)






Anyway, I still haven't figured out how I wanted to fix this blog of mine, so I decided to dip my toes into fashion blogging. What do you think? To cheesy?

I'm more of a photographer myself so I don't really know how I could take good photos of myself modeling my outfits. Maybe it's not my calling, I should just end before I even begin. HAHA!

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Who I am


THE TIMES AND TRIALS OF AN 
ADRENALINE JUNKIE: 
An Autobiography by Gizel Kho

THE BEGINNING:
RACE
Life is a race. As many people have pointed out and even quoted, many aspects of a person’s existence is in the form of a race, a race with time, a race with technology, a race with each other, and even, a race with death. People spend most of their existence avoiding dying in many ways such as being healthy, believing in ideas and convictions, keeping away from trouble, and doing anything they can, just to be safe. 
Winning this race is important, dodging away from death, making sure you outrun it, and while you run, you live your life until you get tired, and let death finally catch up to you. However, it is different in my case. In this race that I run, it’s as if death and I have become close friends, running together, side by side, sometimes I get ahead, sometimes he does, but most times we’re a tie.
The day I was born, death instantly greeted me with a hello. I was diagnosed with a heart condition that basically limits me from living my life. That was the moment I knew our “race” had begun.
My mom, being the paranoid mother that she is, feared the worst for me. Ever since I was young, I’ve met a lot of different doctors, been to a lot of different hospitals in the country, and wasted a lot of money for medication that never seems to work.


GROWING UP:
INSECURITIES
If I was born differently, I think I’d probably be an artist, or a dancer, or even an athlete. I think I have the kooky mind that could pass for the uniqueness of an artist. I believe I have the passion for music enough to be allowed to become a dancer, and I’ve been told many times that I have the body of a swimmer, or a volleyball player, or, as absurd as it may sound, a basketball player. Unfortunately, I can never find out if I actually have talent in painting because the scents of certain paints make it very difficult for me to breathe. I am not allowed to join anything that requires vigorous training or me having to exert a lot of energy, because I tire easily, and it would give my mom a heart attack.










During my grade-school years, I was so jealous of both my sisters, because they were part of the track team.All my best friends were varsity volleyball players, and I was always there in the sidelines, watching them, supporting them, and secretly hoping one day I could be like them. I finally convinced my mom to allow me to play a sport, it was just table tennis, but even with the minimal effort I had to give, she was still scared. I was not happy with the sport so I stopped. In a way, it made her glad, but I still felt a hole inside of me that made me feel incomplete. I grew up fearing of doing anything particularly physical because I was brought up to be scared of getting hurt.
As I was growing up, I also had a growing passion for football. I loved watching football games, I loved drawing soccer balls, people playing, and I even went as far as having dreams about it. My older sister, who at this point has tried practically every sport, was a football player, and I would try out her shoes every chance I get. I was jealous, and I couldn’t do anything about it.


THE TURN AROUND:
REALIZATION


I distracted myself with different non-physical activities that would take my mind off of sports that I wanted to play and things that I wanted to do. I became a writer, and a photographer. I fell in love with film-making and I taught myself how to play different musical instruments.  Despite all of those new-found passions, I craved for more. I wanted to prove to everyone, and most especially, to myself that I can do things. I can do whatever I want to do and I should not care what my doctors think.
I joined the inter-barkada basketball for girls when I was graduating high school and I had a fulfillment that couldn’t be comparable to anything else. Turns out, I don’t get tired easily when I am enjoying myself. 
My condition hasn’t worsened in any way or shown any symptoms. I’m not in anywhere close to an operation, and I’m pretty sure I won’t depart anytime soon. If anything else, I feel so much better now than when I was younger, and I promised myself, that instead of wallowing in my self-pity, I’d rather not let anything get in the way of my happiness. 


THE RUSH:
NEW RACE
I’ve decided to look at everything in the humorous way possible. My mother’s constant paranoia is considered funny in my perspective, and I never take my limitations seriously. I figured, to hell with what everyone says! I’ve been scared my whole life and I didn’t want to be anymore.

      To consider myself as an actual “adrenaline junkie” would be quite ambitious. But in my case, simple mocks of my existence give me the rush, the happiness, the exact life that I have always missed.

Today, I like doing extraordinary things for myself. I’ve finally played football for fun, and I do it every summer whenever I join the Gawad Kalinga Bayani Challenge. I am a part of this organization that requires strenuous activities such as building houses for other people, but I am very happy I could do it. I occasionally play basketball and volleyball in our club’s sports fests, I also have become very good with Frisbee. I ride the bike with an unimaginable speed, and I jump into pools from second-story terraces.
  I travel to far off places with my friends, and sometimes on my own. I taught myself how to be a free diver, and whenever I could find time, I spend most of it underwater. I hang around mountains and beaches, trekking, camping, diving and appreciating nature as much as I could.

I wanted to stop death from winning in our race, I wanted to be miles ahead of him, and since I can’t do that, I’ve decided to tease him, surprise him, every once in a while, give him a tap in the back, and finally, look him in the eye and tell him that I’m not afraid of him.
This race won’t be over anytime soon, but while I’m still running, I’m finally living.

Friday, January 18, 2013

"I have wanted to kill myself a hundred times, but somehow I am still in love with my life."

I die more and more each day that I live and not do the one thing that I love.

Maybe I’m just overly creative, or maybe I’m just fucking worthless.

I need to find that one thing I’m good at, coz really that’s all this is about.

But the moment I stopped from that routine I’ve always hated, to go do whatever it is I wanted to do, Here I am again making new routines that isn’t even helping me.

Is there really nothing there for me?

I've realized that lately all my recent blog posts have been fucking depressing. Probably because, I'm an idiot who thinks writing about sad stuff would actually change anything. Well, it doesn't. And as many times, as I've promised myself to remove my lazy ass off my bed, I just never have the drive to.



**



Yesterday, I heard devastating news about an old high school batchmate of mine committing suicide. It's twisted, and horrible, and just really heartbreaking. We weren't really close, so I really don't understand what her friends and family are going through right now. I just hope, I don't get to go through anything like that at all. And I don't wish that feeling to anyone, ever. :(


From what I learned, she was suffering depression.


I was.


I still am, but I had people to talk to. I had friends, and relatives I get to open up with. She probably felt alone. But trust me, no one ever is alone.


Death is never the answer. And it pains me to know, that there are people who think that. People you know personally. People whom you've talked to once or twice. People who you know could have actually been somebody, if just somebody told them they were worth it.



No matter how hard you’re trying to cope, or how bad you feel your life is. You would always be able to get through all your problems. ALWAYS. Don’t be afraid to talk to people, and always listen. Because you never know how many lives you could save by just being a good listener.
It maybe too late for her now, but I hope it doesn’t have to be for others.

**

I made a promise to myself that no matter how down or how sad I feel. I would never resort to that. I made a promise that I would open up myself more to my friends and family, that if I feel sad or anything, I'd let them know. I'd let them in. and I'd let them listen, and be a listener as well to others.
Life is short. No matter what the circumstances.
Like what I've been told. If I want to do something. I have to do it now. So I wouldn't have to regret it later. I'm young, and I have a full life ahead of me. I need to be strong, for myself, and for everyone else. I need to be better, I need to be happier, and more importantly, 


I NEED TO BEGIN.


RIP LOURDES :(

Saturday, December 29, 2012

A life Update

I feel like I sort of owe you an explanation.

You, being no one in particular, or every one in general- I can't decide, it doesn't matter.

I'm sorry I quit school, but I'm not really sorry I did. Does it make sense? It doesn't to me, but that's how I feel.

To give you an update about my life, currently, I'm an official BUM.

Stay at home, do nothing, sort of thing.

I sleep at four in the morning, and wake up at 12 in the afternoon.

I'm on the internet all day, and I watch TV. Pretty much, I'm useless.

On some other times, this non-government organization that I'm a part of, call me and ask me to hang out with them. We have fun most of the time.

If they don't call me, I stay here at home, which pisses both my sisters off because they say they're gonna die of boredom if they stay here. And I don't exactly get their point because this is my life and not theirs.

I don't worry about school, projects, and requirements, and I am HAPPY about that.

I am not happy however, about the fact that, I haven't made good use of the free time I have. I should come out of this thing stronger, help me? :(

Thursday, November 15, 2012

...

and So I made the first leap. I did what I've always wanted to do... Now what?

My biggest enemy really is myself.

I have been given maaaany opprtunities ever since I stopped, I've been offered jobs (not job-jobs) that I'd love to do, but I'm afraid.

I don't know what this fear is, but I want to let go of it :(

Friday, November 9, 2012

Freedom, Liberation, but still clueless.

What do I need to do? What can I do now? I finally did it, quit school, and now I know that I need to rest. But three seconds after I've told people that I'm currently FREE, they come crashing at me with opportunities. Opportunities I could almost never say no to.

They are bringing me back to the things that I used to love to do so much and just lately hated doing, which is the reason why I can't make a decision if I should do it at this period of "rest" for myself.

I was told to relax, stay away from the pressure. But the thing is, I used to love the pressure, it was what kept me going, it was what I loved about all the things I did. But it was also the same thing that made me weak, one of the things that broke me.I have to face it again, hopefully soon, but as of now, I just can't make a decision yet. And like what they say, when opportunity knocks, you have to open the door, because it might not come back again. I just fear that, if I open my door, I might not be ready and I might end up disappointing even more people.

Why does life have to be so complicated? Or am I the only one complicating my life?

Gaaaah.